Dear J.T. & Dale: I have a female boss, who is several years older than I and has a family. Recently, she started hitting on me. I love my job but want no part of her. She was instrumental in advancing my career during the past several years, but never approached me like this until now. What should I do? — David

J.T.: I have to assume that your company has a sexual harassment policy. Review it, and then take the appropriate action, which undoubtedly includes letting human resources know as soon as possible. That being said, please understand that your complaint likely won’t remain confidential. This isn’t something a company can just stick in a file and not take action on.

Dale: What will happen when they do take action? Let’s think it through. First, I’m assuming that by “hitting on” you, you mean flirting or suggestive comments. If you provide HR with specifics of such conversations, it will be embarrassing to your boss. So, she’ll deny the charges, maybe insist that it was you provoking her; then she’ll start treating you with excruciating formality, and you’ll lose your biggest ally. So, here’s the real question: Is that an improvement?

J.T.: So you would have David do nothing? Shut up and be grateful that he gets to keep his job? If so, things could get worse. For example, let’s say David gets passed over for a promotion, then complains to HR that the reason was that he hadn’t responded to her long-term “advances.” They are going to question his motives. That’s why I’m suggesting that you report the situation now, and get it on file. If all goes well, your company can move you to a different manager, or perhaps she will be let go. Either way, you can get the situation back under control.

Dale: If the situation is, in fact, out of control — assault or threats — then I am with you. However, if it’s just two people talking, I’d like to see them try for a solution as two people, without resorting to the nuclear option of involving HR. Companies have to react to harassment charges and may have to make an issue out of the situation in ways that will be harmful to both parties. So I’d say that it’s worth trying to solve the problem informally. All you have to do, David, is raise the issue conversationally. There’s a good chance she’ll say she was misunderstood, and in the future will take pains not to seem flirtatious. Or, she might confess an attraction, at which point you can make it clear that you would never want to get involved with anyone from the office.

J.T.: There are risks to that approach, many ways it could go wrong, including her reprisals against David.

Dale: Yes, but there are ways it could go well. Filing a complaint with HR is like filing a lawsuit against a neighbor — there are times when it’s necessary, but it doesn’t end problems, just creates new ones. Either way, it’s a risk, but with the informal approach, there’s a chance for a return to the relationship that meant good things for David’s career.