Dear J.T. & Dale: I’m a teacher at a middle school; however, my real love is elementary teaching. I’m afraid to change jobs, as my daughter goes to my school and has two more years there. Although she doesn’t mind changing schools, I love having lunch with her every day and driving together. Still, I feel like an unhappy zombie at work. Should I stay until my daughter graduates? — Riva
J.T.: I’m going to ask you the question I ask all job seekers who are parents: “What is your current career approach teaching your child?” I have direct experience. At 33 years old, I had a realization: I was my daughter’s biggest teacher in life, and meanwhile, I hated what I did and who I was becoming. I decided to make the changes necessary to show her what a satisfying career and a happy adult look like.
Dale: Years ago, I did a major piece of research on people who’d made hard-choice changes in their lives. My plan was to contrast the people who were satisfied with their change with those who had regrets. I soon learned that my biggest hurdle would be finding those who regretted making the move. The overwhelming response was, “My only regret was not having done it sooner.” As I analyzed the decision to delay, I discovered that one of the least-effective reasons for hanging on was for the sake of another. It seems that being selfless should be ennobling, right? Maybe if you’re a saint. When you stay in the wrong place for someone else’s sake, you unconsciously begin to turn resentful. Without realizing why, your relationship starts to deteriorate. There you are, believing you’re making a sacrifice, but what you’re really doing is planting seeds of discontent, letting your frustrations grow where you least wanted them — in the midst of the relationship you wanted to preserve.
J.T.: I’m going to be blunt, Riva. There is a fine line between having a wonderful mother-daughter bond and becoming what’s known as a “helicopter parent.” I see so much of this in my career counseling that I wrote a free e-book for working parents, which you can download at JTandDale.com. Helicopter parents are well-intentioned fathers and mothers who become so close with their children that it is difficult for the kids to go out and connect with other kids. When I hear that you eat lunch with your daughter, I wonder if that may be hindering her from fully learning to connect with others. Ask yourself: “What career choice would show my daughter how to get out there and make a happy life for herself?” It’s possible that a move not only would let you become an even more effective role model, but also would be a chance for her to learn to find her own way.
